My Sweet Jac,

What does it look like in heaven
Is it peaceful
Is it free like they say
Does the sun shine bright forever
Have your fears and your pain gone away

Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left me
And here on earth everything is different. There’s an emptiness
Oh – I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope your singing in the Angels choir
I hope the angels know what they have

I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you arrived

Now tell me what do you do up in heaven
Are your days filled with love and light
Is there music. Is there art and invention
Tell me, are you happy. Are you more alive

Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left me
And here on earth everything is different. There’s an emptiness
Oh I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the Angels choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you arrived
Since you arrived…

Question:  What have I learned from Opera's Lohan Interview?

Answer:  How so many of us have Damaging Misconceptions around Recovery!

Lindsay has been in recovery some six times now. This may be the one that does the trick; and it may not be. However, the fact that she keeps reentering rerecovery does not indicate that her past admissions were failures. Therein lies the misconception. 

Each time she entered rehab, she has succeeded at sobriety, for a period of time, one more time. Stood up to her demons for a moment longer. Felt hopeful one more time.

Recovery from an addiction is an ongoing, sometimes minute by minute, process; not an instantaneous change of ones' mind and miraculously - poof - They're Addiction Free. 

It has become my mission to teach - from my lived experience - that addiction is a disease that follows the same process as any other chronic illness of relapse and remission and to also eliminate the stigma of failure when an addict determines they need to return to rehab, or in Lindsay's case, is court ordered to return. 

Compounding an addicts' feelings of failure with negative judgement does nothing but confirm what they are trying to convince themselves of in the first place; that they have failed. Such negativity can, and sadly often does, lead to the addict returning to the familiar and rewarding behaviour in order to feel good again. 

What of the fact that they had been strong enough to stay clean for a period of time. A month, a day and even an hour is not failure - it's the beginning of recovery. Recognition of their accomplishment however big or small, or at the absolute very least, not supporting their feelings of failure, reinforces and supports their capability to fight and beat this chronic illness. 

My daughter, Jac, had three strong reasons to want to recover from her addiction to Opioids. Three young daughter's, who loved and adored their mother and who were solely dependant on her for their care and direction in life. 

I don't believe Jac consciously set out to be a mother that was more invested in being high than the welfare of her girls, but at the time, in my ignorance of the disease of addiction, I showed no compassion towards her as an addict. Neither did I have an eduction in addiction. Instead of working with her, I worked against her and became instrumental in having her girls removed from her care. I believed that that was the right thing to do for the children given the circumstances and conditions they were living under. I did it understanding it would also be the worst thing that could ever happen to my daughter and could in all likelihood turn out to be her undoing. I did little to ensure that Jac received the support and tools she needed for her recovery other than to demand from her that she get clean, ... or else. I held the threat of her children over her head, thinking that would be her inspiration to get clean. I thought she could simply change her mind. I thought she could do it all by herself. I thought it was as easy as that and... I was wrong.

What would my approach have been, I often wonder, if I had found that the reason my grandchildren had been neglected was that my daughter's disease was Cancer or MS, like myself, rather than addiction. Because I understand how each of those conditions had affected me, her lack of care for her children would have been understood and excused. She would not have been afraid to seek out or ask me for help with her childrens' care. I believe she would not have feared seeking help for herself either. My lack of education and the stigma that I, and society, associated with her disease - addiction - interfered with my providing her and her children with the compassionate care that anyone suffering a chronic illness deserves.

One parent will make decisions based upon their “heart” while the other tough cop’s decisions are cerebral and clinically based. The tough love parent vows to never enable.
Or do they?

Often there are couples that display a different dynamic. The tough cop is comfortable as long as he is the only tough cop.

He can rely on the fact that his partner will try to “love” their child from the addiction, thus he doesn’t have to. The task of compassion is placed squarely on the shoulders of the good cop and bad cop likes it that way. He can put on the tough cop face and rest easy. Good cop will beg and plead for softness and from his throne he can approve or deny these emotional requests.

But…(there is always a but) …When the “good cop” begins to toughen up, the bad cop is faced with a dilemma. He truly must have to remain “stern” but now does not have the “wiggle room” which was formerly provided by his once “softer” mate.

If everyone is playing the “bad cop” role (tough love or whatever we wish to call it) the ability to have loopholes dissipate and the roles of the parents often change. The whole battlefield is rearranged.
Consequences may happen too quickly for even the “tough” cop’s taste.

Do other parents think this happens? What role do you play? Even those that are single parents have to play multiple roles on different days.