I Thought I Knew...
...Don't we ALL!
Witness Testimony on Bill C-2, May 13th, 2015Click on image to see video coverage
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Providing Witness Evidence on Bill C-2 before the Senate Standing Committee on Legal and Constitutional Affairs, May 14, 2015Click on image to see video coverage
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THE MANY SIDES OF ME
An Interview with Donna May
... "It's difficult to admit the truth about yourself - especially to yourself," says Ms May
The many sides of Me
"It's a cool May day, an unusual spring given the springs that we've had in recent years," Donna remarks as I join her at the patio table in her beautifully gardened back yard. "Last year at this time my daughter and I were able to sit out here in shorts and tank tops to enjoy our long talks." She recounts and continues, "that's why I prefer to do this interview with you here; it helps me to feel her presence."
Donna's daughter, Jacquilynne ("Jac") left us on August 21, 2012. Jac was many things to many people, but her mother now describes her as being an extraordinary gift.
"Jac's life, in the sad way she lived it, has been my greatest gift. If not for having had the experiences that she has given me (which are probably best described as put her through) which include all of the bad and tragic things that happened, I would not understand things the way I do now. I have been so blessed."
To her community, Jac was an addict, nothing more than a nuisance junkie, a piece of meat prostitute, a criminal and a suspect in a murder investigation. To her so called "friends" she was a drug source or company to do a hit with, but there was once another side to her, one that I've come here to learn about.
To Jac's three young daughter's, she had once been a loving and caring mother. She was a sister, full of love and admiration for her older and younger brothers. To her father, she was the sweetest of little girls. But, more importantly, I wanted to know about what she was to her mother, so I asked.
"It's difficult to admit the truth about yourself - especially to yourself. " Donna ponders on that statement before she continues to answer my question. "It pains me to say this out loud, but I'm really not sure I allowed myself to even like my daughter very much for many years. At least not until I got to actually know her in the few months I spent close to her before she died."
For years, to Donna, her daughter was an unanswered question: Where did I go wrong? Her child, Jac, was an anomaly to her and try as she did with more than her share of medical professionals, she was never given the tools to help explain, or guide her, in understanding her daughter, nor her daughter's chosen lifestyle.
From an early age impulsiveness and the need for stimulation guided Jac's every action. Pathological lying and the lack of real empathy for her actions was puzzling to everyone. She could con or manipulate her way into or out of anything with anyone, but scariest of all to her mother was her incapacity to truly love or to feel loved. During all of the times that help had been employed to explain these character traits, not once was it discussed that Jac was showing all the signs and symptoms of being Sociopathic.
"There were many times I had just given up. Because I didn't understand her, I feared her. I turned my back on her. I've even talked about her as though she was trash." Donna admits. "Only people who I considered to be my closest friends knew some of the details of my daughter's life, but even then, by their reaction to what I was saying about her, I knew I couldn't share the whole truth with them." She smirked before continuing "today, those same close friends are people I haven't heard from since my daughter's death. How can I blame them? I wouldn't have been able to understand any of this had I not gone through it myself - and believe me - I don't want that for any one of them."
Only after Jac came to live with Donna during the last six months of her life, did Donna finally glean some insight into her daughter's character.
"Just off the cuff, one day, she blurted out that her mind never stopped and she couldn't stand it anymore." Donna recounted. "As she continued to describe her difficulties coping with normal everyday life and how over the years it had grown harder and harder and took more and more drugs, did a light go on in my head telling me "listen to this. Doesn't it sound familiar to you?""
Staggering numbers of addicts, when questioned, admit to self medicating in order to calm the affects of undiagnosed, or misdiagnosed, mental illnesses. Usually, at first anyways, a little substance abuse goes a long way to helping with the symptoms. Over time, more and more is needed and typically leads to dependancy on even higher dosages or more powerful drugs.
"As Jac was telling me how she began with drugs and the path that it took her on, I heard my own story in hers. Only in my case, when I could no longer cope with what my daughter was doing with her life, I had turned to alcohol to numb the pain and shame of my daughter and calm the debilitating panic attacks and depression that I tried to keep stored up inside of me. What began as one or two glasses an evening easily built up to two full bottles - and sometimes - even that wasn't enough. We were no different, her and I. Neither of us had been able to cope; I just hadn't taken it as far as she had."
"The gift my daughter gave me was the insight that only hindsight could provide."
Donna paused and seemed intent on observing a butterfly that had landed amongst a patch of flowers. It startled me more than I care to admit when she turned to look me in the eye before going on:
Donna's daughter, Jacquilynne ("Jac") left us on August 21, 2012. Jac was many things to many people, but her mother now describes her as being an extraordinary gift.
"Jac's life, in the sad way she lived it, has been my greatest gift. If not for having had the experiences that she has given me (which are probably best described as put her through) which include all of the bad and tragic things that happened, I would not understand things the way I do now. I have been so blessed."
To her community, Jac was an addict, nothing more than a nuisance junkie, a piece of meat prostitute, a criminal and a suspect in a murder investigation. To her so called "friends" she was a drug source or company to do a hit with, but there was once another side to her, one that I've come here to learn about.
To Jac's three young daughter's, she had once been a loving and caring mother. She was a sister, full of love and admiration for her older and younger brothers. To her father, she was the sweetest of little girls. But, more importantly, I wanted to know about what she was to her mother, so I asked.
"It's difficult to admit the truth about yourself - especially to yourself. " Donna ponders on that statement before she continues to answer my question. "It pains me to say this out loud, but I'm really not sure I allowed myself to even like my daughter very much for many years. At least not until I got to actually know her in the few months I spent close to her before she died."
For years, to Donna, her daughter was an unanswered question: Where did I go wrong? Her child, Jac, was an anomaly to her and try as she did with more than her share of medical professionals, she was never given the tools to help explain, or guide her, in understanding her daughter, nor her daughter's chosen lifestyle.
From an early age impulsiveness and the need for stimulation guided Jac's every action. Pathological lying and the lack of real empathy for her actions was puzzling to everyone. She could con or manipulate her way into or out of anything with anyone, but scariest of all to her mother was her incapacity to truly love or to feel loved. During all of the times that help had been employed to explain these character traits, not once was it discussed that Jac was showing all the signs and symptoms of being Sociopathic.
"There were many times I had just given up. Because I didn't understand her, I feared her. I turned my back on her. I've even talked about her as though she was trash." Donna admits. "Only people who I considered to be my closest friends knew some of the details of my daughter's life, but even then, by their reaction to what I was saying about her, I knew I couldn't share the whole truth with them." She smirked before continuing "today, those same close friends are people I haven't heard from since my daughter's death. How can I blame them? I wouldn't have been able to understand any of this had I not gone through it myself - and believe me - I don't want that for any one of them."
Only after Jac came to live with Donna during the last six months of her life, did Donna finally glean some insight into her daughter's character.
"Just off the cuff, one day, she blurted out that her mind never stopped and she couldn't stand it anymore." Donna recounted. "As she continued to describe her difficulties coping with normal everyday life and how over the years it had grown harder and harder and took more and more drugs, did a light go on in my head telling me "listen to this. Doesn't it sound familiar to you?""
Staggering numbers of addicts, when questioned, admit to self medicating in order to calm the affects of undiagnosed, or misdiagnosed, mental illnesses. Usually, at first anyways, a little substance abuse goes a long way to helping with the symptoms. Over time, more and more is needed and typically leads to dependancy on even higher dosages or more powerful drugs.
"As Jac was telling me how she began with drugs and the path that it took her on, I heard my own story in hers. Only in my case, when I could no longer cope with what my daughter was doing with her life, I had turned to alcohol to numb the pain and shame of my daughter and calm the debilitating panic attacks and depression that I tried to keep stored up inside of me. What began as one or two glasses an evening easily built up to two full bottles - and sometimes - even that wasn't enough. We were no different, her and I. Neither of us had been able to cope; I just hadn't taken it as far as she had."
"The gift my daughter gave me was the insight that only hindsight could provide."
Donna paused and seemed intent on observing a butterfly that had landed amongst a patch of flowers. It startled me more than I care to admit when she turned to look me in the eye before going on:
"It wasn't until I had recognized a mental disorder in my daughter that I truly knew her;
recognized that I knew how, and that I could have helped her;
and then, sadly, that I had come to that recognition far too late."
"I understood to little at a time I could have been the most help to my daughter. By the time I had made that distinction, the diseases caused by her addiction were well on their way to taking her life. There was no hope. However, that doesn't mean I can't use that knowledge to help myself and others. That was the gift she gave me."
She continued to speak to me with an undeniable conviction to make her daughter's tragic life have meaning.
At the end of our conversation she closed by saying this: "Jac's life and how she lived it has had purpose. What she couldn't accomplish in life, ... she can accomplish by having died because of it."
She continued to speak to me with an undeniable conviction to make her daughter's tragic life have meaning.
At the end of our conversation she closed by saying this: "Jac's life and how she lived it has had purpose. What she couldn't accomplish in life, ... she can accomplish by having died because of it."
Note from the author: Even in this age of technological advancements in information gathering and sharing, access to information and general education around those suffering from addiction and the dual diagnosis of mental illnesses is extremely limited. Even more limited is access to those who are trained in diagnosing, aiding and treating those suffering.
Wait times grow in length, the numbers in need of the services grow as do the number of studies being performed that say "We Need Help Now".
A great deal of emphasis is put on quelling the Stigma surrounding these diseases, while little has even been agreed upon to deal with the problem of lack of care, continuity and access to professionals!
Change is in the air. Those who, like Donna, are empowered to make a difference refuse to have their cause go unheard as they fight to bring awareness to the truths about addiction and the dual diagnosis of mental illness.
Wait times grow in length, the numbers in need of the services grow as do the number of studies being performed that say "We Need Help Now".
A great deal of emphasis is put on quelling the Stigma surrounding these diseases, while little has even been agreed upon to deal with the problem of lack of care, continuity and access to professionals!
Change is in the air. Those who, like Donna, are empowered to make a difference refuse to have their cause go unheard as they fight to bring awareness to the truths about addiction and the dual diagnosis of mental illness.
